I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
