I pooped in a mop bucket.
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
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I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
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Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...