If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy