fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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