She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
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