here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
