she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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