Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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