i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
