I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Randomize