tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
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