He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
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