That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
