I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Randomize
