i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
