I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
I deserve this hangover.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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