I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
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