It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
