I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
