you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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