college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I'm really busy with my period
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