saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
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