Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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