i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
