I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
