I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Randomize
