It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
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