Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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