i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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