You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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