this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
