i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
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