I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Randomize
