Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
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I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
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I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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