4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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