Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
