I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
