So drunk its hurt
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
