There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Randomize
