He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
