Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize