At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
