i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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