Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
I skipped work to stalk him.
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
