he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
