I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Randomize
