Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.