Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
