she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
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