My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
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