Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
