um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
