I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
