Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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