my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
People with herpes should wear stickers.
only if we run a train.
done.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
