for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
