non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
