Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
Randomize
