Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Randomize
