you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
