I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize