saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
