I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I still have a little drunk in my system
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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