Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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