Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
