You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
You're like the curious george of whores
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Randomize
