Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
